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Alone, so alone...

I just thought I'd let you all know that I feel like death right now. No physical feeling at all; it is all emotional and spiritual. I have nothing to look forward to in this life, and I don't think that I ever will. I am tied to a love that is hopeless for me, one that I dote on completely.

I hate all that I see all around me, and I just wish that I could get away from everyone and everything.

You all don't realize how lucky you are. You go about your day, oblivious to all the hate and pain and death all around you. You set up these perfect worlds for yourself in which nothing can go wrong, and then your self-pleasing self makes sure that they go all according to your plans. You have someone. I have no one.

Why don't I have one? Why am I so alone? Why don't I have anyone?? My life is so odd, yet I barely realize it. It takes odd times of reflection like these. I hate waiting. Oh {x}, I need you. You'd better get up here, soon. Dammit!! I need you to hold me. I hate to see you in the arms of another. YOU ARE my soul one . Get up here. You know that I have no means of getting down there, but soon you will have your means. ::sighs:: I hate the corruption all around me. I am an outsider here.

They all just do not realize how lucky they are! How do you think they would feel to be so seperated from the one they love? They are so ignorant.

My only hope for life right now is looking forward to that blissful day in which I'll finally find myself in your arms..

I sometimes wonder why I don't just give up and look for someone I could possibly ever have a chance with. Why do I hole myself up so much? Why can't I go out and lead a normal, stupid life? Why don't I go to dances? Why don't I spend all of my money on clothes and makeup and worry about how fat I am?

It's because I am ever tied to the one who I have virtually no chance of ever knowing. ::sighs a sigh of sorrow, of lonliness, of regret, of despair, of love::

I need you.

{x}, I love you too much. You have no idea.

Why must we be so alone?

You were upset by my tears. Oh, if only you knew how often those tears are shed for you!

You are my one and only; you are my soul one. Please help me to get out of here. I need you oh-so-badly. I need to be held; I need for you to hold me. You are the only one.

Who knows what goes on just beyond that wall while I sit right here?

Dead, I feel so dead.

For those of you who care, I feel like shit once again. I don't quite know what it is.. I think that it's a mixture of a sinus infection and a school full of pissants. Yea, that second one is it. I HATE so many of the people here!! Why on earth do I subject myself to this? ::sighs:: I guess I have no choice in the matter. There's really nowhere else for me to go.

If only.. ::laughs:: But no. That's impossible.

2/21/98

Why am I the only one who cares???????

We all worked so hard... and now it's just over. Am I supposed to just forget? No, thank you. I don't think I shall. I cared so much.

Oh you, you shall never know the extent to how I cared. I cared for you so much... and you let me down so horribly... Why did you do that? You promised..

You promised..

I thought I was something. The way you looked at me. The way you held me. The way you talked to me. Was that all nothing? I can't believe that. Maybe I'm blind.. think I'm blind..

I care about people too easily, and then I'm let down..

I cared for you so much.

My lord... I think he's right... I DO care more than I'm letting myself know!! Or realize. I have a feeling that I'll see you again. I am not going to let us just die like this. Are you?

I thought it was something more than what you let it turn out to be.. why did you have to be so selfish? Are you still?

I find that I can easily get around your shortcomings.. more easily than I would in others... why do you suppose it's that way, hmm?? Do you think I'm making an exception because of your wonderful moral standards? ::laughs:: Hell no. I think you know better than that.

But you know, why do I care so much? No one else seems to.

That's my problem.. I care too much, too quickly, too easily, and then I leave myself open for disappointment... too much.

They told me you had a look in your eye when you looked at me. That you would protect me. Why did you leave me??

Is it true? Was it all really just a mistake? My god, do you truly expect me to believe that? I know you too well for that!

... or maybe I just don't know you as well as I thought I did....

I am so lonely for you...

I was wrong...

You do not care as I thought you had. I apologise for thinking as I did. The distance grown, the chance lost, the friendship forsaken. I shall forget.

OR! OR! OR! My foolish, love-lost mind still says OR! Was it because of the company you kept?? Would you have acted differently under different situations? I can only wait and see... but until then, I must act the lonely fool. I must forget. I never shall.

Ah, my Goddess... one whiff of your cologne, my one, and I am cast back into a realm of lost memories...

If you are here, you are the th person who never should have come.